Who can it be now?

I had a confusing and frustrating conversation last week with a woman we’d met on a dating app (not Tinder … hahaha … another one). After months of flirting, texting and exchanging photos, we had finally agreed on a date and time to meet. The only missing piece of the equation was location. And this is where the miscommunication spiraled out of control into a discussion about how to tell if people you meet online are really serial killers. No kidding, she actually referenced Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka when discussing her fear of meeting a couple on a date. And for Canadians of a certain generation, that’s a huge insult. You don’t just throw those comparisons around for fun. But I digress.

The result of that disagreement was a lengthy discussion with Maestro about the nature of safety and privacy in online dating. And also, how misunderstandings can happen in text conversations that wouldn’t occur in face-to-face, or even phone conversations. There’s mountains of evidence that show that people derive more meaning in conversations from body language than the spoken word. So it’s not surprising when you take the human interaction out of conversations you end up with crossed wires. Off-hand comments or jokes don’t translate well, nor do sarcasm or wit. Using emojis is a poor substitute for voice inflection when communicating intent behind words.

Her main concern was that we offered to meet at a public beach near her place. She was indignant at the suggestion (hence the unfortunate serial killer reference) that we meet somewhere where people would be semi-nude (bathing suits) with lots of trails through the woods (easy to attack someone). This was a highly suspicious location, and one that indicated nefarious intentions, as opposed to meeting at a restaurant not close to where either of us live (her suggestion). We countered that a public place close to home (where people may recognize you) was ideal for a woman concerned about security.

We’ve had a number of discussions with women over security. And in particular when meeting a couple. Some believe they are safer by inviting people to their own home. They’re on their turf and feel safer there. Others don’t feel comfortable having their neighbours see a couple showing up at their door. Some women will spend more time getting to know you before a meeting, including a chat on the phone and sending recent photos. At that point, she feels safer showing up at someone’s home.

I believe it’s more risky to invite someone new to your place. And if you do, I recommend letting other people know who you are meeting and when, so others know your whereabouts. We’ve been on dates where the woman gets a text from a friend to check in on them. You know – the opportunity to back out and claim an emergency if necessary. And that’s cool, I’ve done that many times myself. But here are the lessons I learned from this conversation – arrange a phone call instead of endless texting if you are truly interested in meeting, let the woman select a location in which she feels comfortable, and if things still fall apart over a misunderstanding – let it go and don’t sweat it. Dating isn’t about life or death. And as a good friend reminded me – no babies are dying over this.