The girl I knew somewhere

“Well, goodbye dear, I just can’t take this chance again.
My fingers are still burning from the last time.
And if your love was not a game, I only have myself to blame.
That’s as may be, I can’t explain. Just ask the girl that I knew somewhere.”

The thing about blogging is that it’s an easy outlet for my confusion and all that excess in my brain. The twins are fighting right now and I find myself needing some calm. I find myself regretting every moment I open my mouth, questioning every decision I make, and fearing my worst fears. Which is, ironically, the very attitudes that I wish to counter through this writing. Call it the Gemini in me, or menopause – or just being plain old me. I like to think the girl I used to be was far simpler and less inclined to shit all over people. But being with Maestro has made me realize I’m probably fooling myself. Being told by someone you love that you’re selfish and the only person you really love is yourself … well that moment was more painful than that guy way back when who thought I was a guy because I had small tits and wanted him to fuck my ass rather than my pussy. His words then are like the glue that make me stick to thoughts I want to avoid.

And today was more evidence that I’m not empathetic, and perhaps not a very nice person. Now forgiveness is also something I need to learn. So what I’m trying to learn is how to forgive being a shithead to Maestro and not do and say the things that I do. It’s weighing on me. But hey – relationships aren’t perfect and ours certainly isn’t. But I’m still here because I want to be here. And contrary to what comes across in this blog, or what he may think – it has little to do with sex. I don’t stay with him because of the orgasms. I stay because of so much more than that. And I’ll stay until at whatever point either one of us doesn’t want the other. Same as any relationship, I guess.

So don’t look back, don’t look forward, and don’t be motivated by fear. Forgive yourself, learn your lessons and move on. Think before you speak. And apologize when necessary.

I’m not sure any of this post is making sense, least of all to me, but here goes. At the very least I may get a laugh out of it later. And it may make for a good story! Because the best stories come from going to the ugly parts of your head. You just need to make sure you find your way out of there once the story’s been told. Find your inner cartographer to map your own mind and your own mess.